identity & reality.

there are some moments that are so startling that they bring you to a bleak reality. i have moments like these in regards to my identity & my past – these moments have been happening to me quite frequently in the recent past. i see them as kind of “reality shocks” rather than “reality checks” because they do in fact shock my entire core to a point that i am absolutely fried from my inner being.

recently, i have witnessed a brewing conflict that is quickly escalating between 2 groups of people that i am caught in the middle of. it’s honestly freaking me out to type this right now, with bile rising up my throat and my stomach feeling as if it is being flipped around 100 times, but here i am, taking a deep breath and continuing. although i am not directly involved in the conflict (i really have not done anything to incite the conflict or even continue it), my identity as a non-white, gay, feminine male from a painstakingly middle class standing has become more glaring as ever on this campus, especially to me. i feel as if i am becoming the scapegoat for something that is not even my problem, but that i could end up paying for.

when moments like this come, and they usually are moments where i feel as if i have gone too far (in terms of socializing with people and all of that), i think about my home. i think about what would happen if all was exposed to my family. i think about how my mom strongly discouraged me from becoming close friends with anyone and how my dad constantly reminded me that the only people i could trust was my family. i think about what my sister has done to incite a “reality shock” within my parents and how her choices has tainted my collegiate experience, making me realize that the things that i do on campus could, dare i say it, kill my parents if they were to find out.

who i am is a last option, i feel. i feel as if all of the bets are placed on me and if i don’t do what is expected of me, then all has failed. my parents have one last faith in me to not fuck up like my sister. even though my parents tell me to not think that i have to repent for my sister’s sins against our family’s dreams, they certainly feel this – you can change the words that come out of your mouth, but you can rarely redirect the focus of your heart and of your inner voice.

moments like this incite something dark in me. not in the sense that i will be violent, but in the sense that i feel like am drowning. that i have always been drowning, never having the chance to even be afloat. i close myself off when moments like this occur because i can’t breathe in public – i am reminded that what i do is so fucking more than what my other friends do. it’s nothing against them and it’s not that i am saying that people are not in similar situations as myself or in even worse situations – i acknowledge this. but it does not make my experience any better.

i feel as if i am losing. i am losing it all before i even had the chance to win. this hometown beauty queen is stumbling, stumbling, stumbling into a never-ending spiral of despair and nothingness.